My Sand Life My Pebble Life Read online

  Contents

  Introduction: Coasting

  Barefoot in the sand in Blackpool

  One day that boy will be prime minister

  July 2020: There’s a couple there with masks on

  September 2020: The eternal EPCOT fridge magnet

  March 2020: The lost glove and the high wind

  Years went over and nobody found us

  The helicopter at the picnic

  Pieces to Camera

  The coast that wasn’t a coast or maybe it was

  Overexposure

  Six and out

  The saxophone, the sea

  Jazz and bells and early morning coffee

  Joe’s prize bingo and the lockout

  East Coast, magnetic coast

  Who’s that in the picture?

  My sand life, my pebble life

  Filey fact, Filey fiction

  The shape of the watch on the wrist

  The map of getting the map

  Carrying the Methodist

  The Wallet

  I Haven’t seen one of those for years

  Going to extremes: North

  Going to extremes: East

  Going to extremes: West

  Going to extremes: South

  Autumn

  Winter

  Spring

  Summer

  Snow beach

  Like a statue

  Seeing the sand

  You’ll write a poem about that

  Pre-cleethorpes dreaming

  April 2021: Almost forgetting the pie

  Drugged by the pie

  The running man

  Don’t touch the sides of that tent

  What the weather said

  Eating chips by the sea, a rhapsody

  Islands of midges and wasps

  Being a curator

  Into the wind

  The snake in the bed

  The oar

  The currency

  The Hunstanton Frisbee incident

  Coast as a series of novelty cruet sets

  Young man with a Notebook

  Towels and trunks

  Tide out

  Up the path

  My sand life my pebble life

  Introduction: COASTING

  I very rarely make plans for my writing; I admire thriller writers who paper the wall with Post-it notes and science fantasy authors who make spreadsheets and histories for the worlds they’re creating. Even when I’m writing something that should be planned, like a radio play, I just crack a cup of tea over the vessel of my ideas (it’s too early in the morning for champagne) and set sail on an uncharted voyage. This has meant that the producers and directors have had to work very hard with me to help me to produce something that has plot and character rather than images and gags and so with this new book I decided I’d learned my lesson and I would make a plan. Maybe I wouldn’t go as far as spreadsheets, but I would certainly have a compass. A metaphorical compass, of course, but it would be a start.

  The idea of the book was that I would write about the coast of Britain; sometimes I would delve into my memories of places I’d visited, and sometimes I would visit new places and write about what I encountered. I would try and knit connections between the two and, like all writers unless they’re liars, I would imagine the author photograph of a windswept me gazing out at the eternal water, perhaps with an ironic ice cream in my hand.

  My plan for the book was based around my quest to do a gig in every village hall in the country with my musician mate Luke Carver Goss. If the coast was within striking distance, by which I mean of a railway because I can’t drive, of the village hall we’d played the night before, I would go there the next day and absorb it on the (metaphorical again) blotting paper I wrote on. This may not seem like much of a plan if you’re a thriller writer on the fourteenth book of a series featuring a hard-bitten detective with a complex home life and a passion for vintage china but let me tell you that for me it’s a plan.

  And then the pandemic’s tide started to come in. In early March 2020 my wife and I had a couple of days in Scarborough, the jewel of the East Coast; the plan was that this would make the first chapter of the book. Except that things felt a little chilly, and that wasn’t just the wind blowing across the sand. We went into shops to try to buy hand sanitiser but there was none. People looked nervous; there seemed to be a sense of hurry about them as though they wanted to rush somewhere but, crucially, they weren’t quite sure where. In our Premier Inn there was no buffet breakfast and we were served by a waiter who said ‘This is how it will be for a little while’ and I felt a deep sadness, partly because of his turn of phrase and partly because I couldn’t get seven sausages, a croissant and a tub of Greek yoghurt. After all, like everybody else in the Western world, I’d become used to treating life as a buffet that endlessly invited me to graze. My wife and I felt a desire to sit far away from strangers and closer to each other. Walking towards the castle, we wondered aloud to each other whether we should have come. The strong wind made me weep. I think it was the strong wind.

  And then, about a week after we came back home and I shook the sand out of my notebook, the country locked down and all my gigs fell off a cliff and my diary relaxed in its emptiness and lack of scribblings. The village halls of Britain were safe from my laboured gags. My children and grandchildren could no longer visit the house and we had to make do with drive-by wavings and Zoom quizzes that nobody really wanted to win. I still wanted to write this book, so I had to have a new plan, and the new plan was to use the time to climb deeper into my memories of the coast, of the places I’d been and the person I was when I went there. Two slices of the coast would loom large: Cleethorpes, where my wife’s family have had a caravan for decades, and where my 92-year-old mother-in-law would happily spend all summer, until 2020 put a lock on all that and forced her into a foreshortened season where she daren’t go on a bus; and Northumberland, where my children have had wonderful times and where my wife and I have discovered solace and calm over the years.

  Brief unlockings like the one in the summer of that year allowed us out and it meant the sea air in the sentences was fresh rather than air-conditioned by memory, but mostly I paddled in the half-remembered and, I admit, half-invented past. And so the coast became a place of legend and myth; its unchanging narrative of tides and whirling gulls shape-shifted into my own story, a story of someone who, in their mid-sixties, was being nudged into a state of endless reverie by the lockdowns and the pandemic. I found that because I wore my mask a lot, I couldn’t wear my glasses as much as I usually did; the mask and my breathing steamed them up. I went to the optician’s and she said that my eyes were improving; I asked how that could be possible, given my advancing age. ‘It sometimes happens,’ she said in the half-darkness. I didn’t question further but I reckoned it was because the turbulent times had turned my gaze inward, towards an internal and personal coastline.

  So, if you’re expecting a guidebook, look away now. If you want a map, I suggest that you make your own because I think you’ll know your roads much better than I do. Welcome to my coast; come with me and wander its paths. You might not find your way back home; I’m not sure if I ever will.

  BAREFOOT IN THE SAND IN BLACKPOOL

  I was fifteen years old and I was planning a trip to Blackpool with my mates Bards and Smalesy; we were an inseparable trio whose nights out mainly consisted of wandering around the mining village where we lived and ending up at the fish shop for some chips with bits on. The pit bus would pass like an image of a world that would never change because this was the 1970s and there were certainties scattered between the loud revolutions and thinking that excited our young and impressionable minds.


  In a complex domestic arrangement, Bards lived with his grandma near Barnsley and his parents lived in Blackpool; this was so that Bards could finish his schooling and not have his education disrupted, which made sense to us all as an idea because living with your grandma felt like fun and she certainly didn’t mind him being out eating chips on a school night.

  One Monday evening he announced that his parents had invited us to stay in Blackpool for a few days and that his dad would come and pick us up and take us after school on the coming Friday. I was suddenly overcome with an emotional and romantic idea: ‘I’ll tell you what, lads,’ I said (imagine my voice still breaking, still tinkling like glass, still warbling like a harmonica under water), ‘let’s stay up all night and walk to the beach to see the sunrise.’ They nodded and then Smalesy said, ‘And let’s do it in bare feet.’ Ah, the early 1970s: history’s tie-dyed bucket, half full of hope.

  At Maison Bards, we decided to do the all-night adventure on our third night; the first night was spent hunting for decent chips and avoiding gulls. Of course the chips were excellent because we were by the sea but of course we said they were inferior because we were teenagers from Yorkshire. The second night we thought we’d just stay in watching Dr Who on TV because, yes, we were teenagers from Yorkshire. On the fourth night we’d got tickets to see the hippy musical Hair at the theatre; it seemed that Bards had convinced his parents it was a family saga about barbers, which was fine by us because we were looking forward very much indeed to the nudity. It was the Age of Aquarius, you know; we could pretend we were seeing the show and the sunrise in California.

  Bards’s parents were fine about us wandering down to the beach on our own in the early hours, although his dad did say, ‘If any coppers stop you, tell them you’re looking for Ripley’s Believe It or Not!’ We nodded sagely. I was a big fan of Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in the American comics I bought. We decided to leave the house on our sunrise pilgrimage at 4am, something that we thought would feel like a moment in a beat poet’s diary. We never thought to check what time the sun actually rose, of course. That kind of detail never occurred to us.

  We all found staying up late a bit of a strain. We took turns at guessing what time it was and we were crushingly disappointed when it was 11.48pm not 2am but eventually 4am arrived as though it was on the last carriage of a slow train and we set off through half-dark streets to the sea. Our excitement was volcanic and epic, no doubt stoked up by our lack of sleep. We were going to commune with the sand and the water. Our bare feet would snog the waves and the feeling would be so exquisite that we wouldn’t be able to tell The Other Lads about it when we got back home but we’d try, oh yes we’d try.

  We took our shoes off when we left the house and carried them along like talismen. I remember, all these years later, that it was unpleasant. The pavement was rough and sometimes sharp and there were meandering archipelagos of dog detritus to tack past. The sea called to us; or was it the shout of a man who had lost the name of his B&B somewhere in the back of his brain’s wardrobe?

  My feet really hurt but the sky was experiencing a pre-sunrise lightening. We got closer and closer to the nirvana of the beach. A police car slowed and stopped and a copper wound a window down and stuck his head out. He looked like Fancy Smith in Z Cars. ‘Lost your shoes, boys?’ he asked nonchalantly. We held our shoes up and he nodded. ‘Where are you off to?’ he asked. There was no urgency in his voice but I was scared. A gull laughed uproariously. ‘We’re going to Ripley’s Believe It or Not!,’ I squeaked, dropping one of my shoes. ‘I believe you,’ he said, either winking or blinking.

  Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, now just called Ripley’s like a nightclub in Derbyshire, is a place where you can experience oddities and cracks in the universe; originally based on a strip that appeared in American newspapers, it’s now a franchise of books, magazines and museums like the one in Blackpool. If you want to see shrunken heads or find out whether turkeys can blush or not, then Ripley’s is for you. Outside Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in those days there was a tap that appeared to be suspended in mid-air but from which, amazingly, water appeared to gush. (My italics.) I’d seen this on TV and was eager to witness it at first hand, like a Druid would be very keen to catch a glimpse of Stonehenge. We walked, our feet getting increasingly ragged, towards the tap. It was, in my memory, about 5am. The sun was not yet up but the sky was smouldering a little. The tap wasn’t turned on. We gazed at it and we spotted a clear Perspex tube going from the tip of the tap to the floor. So that was it; so that was the trick or, being charitable, the clever device.

  My soul felt like my feet; scraped and grazed. A little shard of innocence fell away. Then a minor miracle happened: the tap was turned on by something automatic in the depths of the building and the water splashed and we could believe again that we couldn’t believe it. We turned towards the sea. ‘Have they really got nowt on in that Hair?’ said Bards, using the word ‘that’ in the Barnsley way. We assured him that it was true, tuppence and all. We walked towards the sea. We felt the balm of the sand between our mucky adolescent toes. We gazed at the sky. We thought there was something wrong with the sun; it was refusing to rise even though the sky was clear and it was getting quite light. Yes, you’re right. The sun rises in the East and Blackpool is in the West. We were halfway through the first act of Hair gazing at a naked bottom when we realised that.

  ONE DAY THAT BOY WILL BE PRIME MINISTER

  My earliest memory of the coast may not be a memory at all; it may be a fiction, or a false recollection, or a photograph that maybe I glimpsed in a long-lost album and maybe I didn’t. It could be something that I partly imagined and partly lived through but I’ll write it down as though it’s a bundle of facts and a few officially licensed poetic images and we’ll see how close that gets us to the water lapping at the shore.

  It’s true that my dad was in the Royal Navy from 1937 until 1958, and he spent the last few months of his career in Plymouth waiting to go home and start a new life that didn’t involve the floor moving under him. And it’s true that I was born in 1956. It’s true that Darfield, the village I’ve always lived in near Barnsley, had a station until Beeching redacted it and so it’s possible, just possible, that I might have got the train down to Plymouth with my mother to visit my dad and we might have stayed in a hotel near the sea and we might have gone for a walk on the Hoe. I was told this so often and I’ve told it to myself so often that, even if it isn’t true, it’s McMillan True, or Plymouth True, or Poetically True, and they’re better than boring old True. One other fact: my dad had the sea in his blood, and I don’t, and I’ve often tried to fathom these differences in my thinking and my writing. Without getting too close to the waves.

  Here’s what ‘happened’. My mother is running from our house to Darfield station and somehow she is carrying me because it’s 1958 and I’m too young to run all the way from Barnsley Road. The platform is wreathed in steam like the platforms in Brief Encounter, a film I know my mother was a big fan of although I wouldn’t have known that at the time. I remember, or ‘recall’, a train door slamming and there was rain on the train windows. We must have changed trains at least a couple of times but those moments have sunk into the sponge and all I can see behind my mind’s glasses is the rain on that window. I think I remember my mother smoking.

  Then suddenly we’re in Plymouth and there are gulls; I vividly remember the gulls, the same gulls that are the soundtrack to this book. Or perhaps just the one gull like The Ancient Mariner’s albatross, hanging round my ample neck as I tell this tale. We are walking (I’m being pushed in a big Silver Cross pram, surely?) by the sea and my dad is wearing his uniform and he’s pointing at a big ship, which I now know is the aircraft carrier the HMS Ark Royal but which at the time seemed to be a piece of metal as big as the shout of the gulls in my little ears.

  The sea is vast and it converses with itself and its waving waves. We go right up to the ship and it is like standing next to a skyscraper o
r a cliff face. Suddenly in my memory or my dream or my fiction we are on the ship and a man is sleeping on a chair. My dad smiles and says ‘Don’t wake him up; he’s been on watch all night’ and the man’s sleep seems so deep as to be subterranean. I have no idea of this at the time, of course, but this introduction to the Ark Royal is my dad’s farewell to the ocean, the ocean that has sustained him for two decades and through a world war during which he became my mother’s pen pal and during which they met and got married because it was the war and you never knew what would happen.

  We went to a tiny beach near a harbour and decades later I stand on that beach with my three children the night before a ferry trip to France. My middle daughter digs in the sand like I’m sure I must have done and my son sleeps in a buggy like maybe I did in my fictional pram. I feel a deep connection with the person I was and the people my parents were, as though I’m a kite and they’re the string, or the other way round. The horizon is a long unbroken sentence.

  Then, years later, I’m doing a gig in Plymouth and I stay in an old hotel and as I walk into the foyer I am overcome by a sudden wave of nostalgia and emotion because I am convinced that this is the hotel my mother and I stayed in when we came to see my dad in 1958; it can’t be, can it? Surely so much will have changed since 1958 that I wouldn’t notice anything, would I? Except maybe once you’ve been somewhere you leave something behind. In this case it’s a memory of me talking and talking and talking in the hotel dining room, presumably at breakfast, and then I climb off my chair and go under the table and start to sing. My mother is embarrassed but a man says, in a loud voice that will admit no argument, ‘Believe me, my dear, one day that boy will be Prime Minister!’ I stand rigid in the foyer, afraid to check in because I feel I might break some kind of spell forever. The person behind the desk clears her throat.

  In 1958, on the Ark Royal or perhaps in a cramped office onshore, my dad is signing some papers. There is a tear in his eye that, I am convinced, spills out on to his cheek. Somehow the tear rolls out of the room and trickles down the road or across the ship and drips into the water, where it becomes part of the sea.